What if...

I didn't do this assignment?
time travel was possible?
there was an inverse to gravity?
the world was in black and white?
no 2 people saw the same color?
I kicked my computer?
David Lee Roth made ringtones and alarms?
cars had the same controls as airplanes?
the Hokey Pokey is what its all about?
McDonalds ketchup wasn't fancy?
I could call to my shoes in the morning like a dog?
movies were real?
this is all a movie?
I went to Steak N Shake twice yesterday?
Dave Matthews Band didn't suck?
clothes didn't get dirty?
I was allergic to oxygen?
people had gills?
I could remember to remember things?
there were 30 hours in a day?
I sneezed and my brains flew out?
the giant bean in Millenium Park is actually a kidney?
my face was upside down?
my reflection didn't exist?
humans shed their skin like snakes?
real life was like video games?
video games were actually like real life?
people stopped leaving their houses all together?
all food tasted like chicken?
all drinks tasted like chicken?
chicken tasted like grape soda?
physical objects could travel over a modem?
The Matrix has me?
you could call God?
I didn't just think of that Joan Osborne song?
trees released mustard gas instead of oxygen?
I was attacked by a giant mutant spider?
I had no arms and had to hit buttons with my face?
it was hot in winter?
it was cold in summer?
there were giant Post-It notes?
everyone was a twin?
all twins were pairs of good and evil?
people could split their good and evil halves into two people at will?
my skin melted?
fingernails were painful to cut?
grass didn't exist?
time wasn't a constant?
I could teleport to somewhere else instantly?
people could clone themselves at will and then morph back together?

The Friend Fork

Hello, I'd like to tell you about a fork named Frank. Frank liked to go on car rides and listen to the radio. He never complained about the station or that it was too loud. Frank doesn't care if you curse at the old drivers or honk at slow-moving pedestrians. He simply rides and smiles:


This makes me very HAPPY:


He's the best fork a guy could ask for. Frank and I are best buds: